My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
