Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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