im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
