hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize