Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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