If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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