I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
