Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
