I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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