last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
