Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
