i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
