I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
