I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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