brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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