; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
