last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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