Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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