First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
