we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
