working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
