Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
