So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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