Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
