In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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