it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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