Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
