Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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