on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
