Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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