i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
