I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm really busy with my period
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