she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
