Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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