my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
