i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
