Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
