you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
