Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
