i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
