where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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