I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize