even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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