I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
