You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
