You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
