Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
