I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
