Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
