I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
