i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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