I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
