Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
