I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
