In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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