remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
