Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
