Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
