i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
