Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
