thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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