i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
