Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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