Christians are straight up FREAKS
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
